Tears of a Clown…

It was the last day of camp today20160821_210507_resized for the little buggers. I switched with a guy at work so that I could have the day off. The camp was to present the musical “Hairspray” and the boys were going to perform. I thought it would take about fifteen minutes to get there as it usually does. I could take the highway or go the local road with approximately 3800 lights in a stretch of three miles. Rockland County has more lights than all five boroughs of NYC combined. In fact, I would prefer to drive in Manhattan than in Rockland County.

I decide to take the highway to avoid the overabundance of traffic lights. But, the other downside to driving in Rockland County is that drivers go either 80mph or 20mph, regardless of what street they’re on, including the highway. So I get stuck behind a 1990 Plymouth Fury with a blind driver. Of course, the person behind me in a Benz SUV wants to go 80. Fortunately, I only have to go a half mile before I turn onto the Interstate highway. Traffic there is generally better.

Somehow on the turnoff onto the exit I need, I get behind a blue something. I have no idea what kind of car it was, but the really interesting thing is that I couldn’t see the driver but I could see their arms and hands which looked they were working overtime gesticulating to the person in the passenger seat, if such person really existed cause I couldn’t see them either. As destiny would have it, I followed them through three turns (going 20mph) and wouldn’t you know it, they were going to the same place I was, the boys’ camp.

I pull into the camp and the parking lot is packed, overcrowded. I find a place to park. Wouldn’t you know it was the ONLY parking spot and it was in the sun and it was 90 degrees. The last parking spot, but I got it. I was tempted to park on the grass underneath the trees. Being a good boy, I chose the spot in the sun.

I take a seat towards the back as the front seats were all full of parents. There were about nine songs chosen from the musical and the little buggers, Archibald and Mortimer (not their real names), were in two of them plus the grand finale.

It wasn’t really a dramatic presentation of the musical as it was just a musical review. The kids sang and danced on stage to the music but there was no real “play”.

For some reason, the tears started to accumulate in my eyes as the review started. I don’t know why. My boys weren’t even on stage yet. I must say that I’ve gotten more sensitive as I’ve gotten older. Again, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the collapse of my emotional boundaries or somehow I’ve gotten more sensitive as I’ve gotten older or it was the weakening of my usual strong facade. I don’t know. I am reminded of the movie “The Godfather” when the Don expresses a similar concept to young Michael, except he was talking about wine.

The same thing happened exactly two weeks ago when the boys “performed” at the final day of that camp. They danced to a Justin Timberlake song. I’m not a big fan of contemporary music, but I like JT. I think he’s a fine actor, like in “Trouble With the Curve.” And he drove a hot car, a Pontiac GTO (my dream car), in the movie.

I teared up at that, too. I couldn’t decide if I was more overjoyed at watching the little buggers perform, (they did really good, by the way, as an objective Daddy as I can be) OR if I really wanted to be on stage, too.   I still want to be performing. I am also very proud of the little buggers.

The boys come on in Hairspray and they were cute (of course). The same feelings return to my psyche. I tear up. But, they quickly evaporate as I focus on recording their Academy-award winning performances on my camera.

In the end, my sensitivity is probably caused by a couple of things like age, feeling of vulnerability and being a daddy. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I will cry for my boys (or myself or anything) if I damn well feel like it. Perhaps the person who has the most problem with it is me anyway. On the other hand, I cried when I watched Love Actually and The Dark Knight Rises (Batman dies???) and even Godzilla. I mean who would be so insensitive to NOT CRY when the giant lizard thing was really a mommy and it was protecting its young? Oh, the humanity, or lizardry, whatever.